I took a deep breath and steadied my shaking hands.
What time was it? What day was it?
I simply could not answer, my mind was so crowded with thoughts I could easily fall back into my endless nothingness at any time, and not care for one second.
But I knew I had to.
I had to begin to forget, begin to be a real mother to Ash again, begin to heal.
Above all, I needed to begin to live again.
The clock on the table said it was already 12pm.
I'd been waiting around for so long, stuck in his house.
Just thinking of him brought another round of dizziness to my head, I was focusing so much on the clock, I swear I thought for one moment it moved backwards, maybe I could change time.
I suddenly felt trapped, and if I were to stay too long I would drown in my own memories.
If I could only change time...
If I could change time, I wouldn't feel like this, if I could change time, my heart would be whole, and I would be prepared for anything, even this endless pain.
The door flung wide open as I ran outside.
Had the world always been so bright?
Looking in a puddle that had pooled near the plants, I tried to remember the last time I had eaten, I was so pale.
I turned back round for a moment, remembering all the times in this house, all the times with my love and Ash, and I remembered the time when I thought for once my life was perfect.
But now it was anything but perfect.
I had to leave, I knew deep in my heart, I barely had the strength to get up, because everything in the house reminded me of him.
Maybe if I left the house and everything behind, maybe went back to my hometown, I could pretend like it never happened.
Tears spilled over my eyelids as I turned away.
It was hard, but I felt a great deal of well everything in my mind dissapate instantly, I was walking away, I could start again.
I was only 22, everything had all happened in one year, maybe something amazing could now happen to me, now I had faced the worse thing anyone can face.
Losing a soulmate.
I began to run, though I barely had the strength I could feel it pushing the tears away.
I knew where I had to go, to the airport, then wherever the plane took me was where I would stay, and never come back to Riverview again.
I ran straight onto the road, the hours had quickly gone by in my nostalgia, and the sun was setting, this meant no cars were going to come around here anymore, not until dawn broke.
A word you could say described it was, Riverview was dead.
I saw the park ahead of me straight away. It was always just in front of the house, but I only really saw it now.
I knew my way around, and if I was correct if I turned right at the next house on the corner, it would lead me down the road to the airport.
I stopped in my tracks though.
How stupid could I be?
I forgot Ash!
I put my hand where I could feel my heart.
It still beat, and I began to think again.
If I said goodbye to him, he could lead a better life away from a mother who ignored him for God knows how many days.
But if I didn't, he and I could help eachother get over the loss we both felt.
As soon as I ran back and got him, we were back on the road, the point where I had to choose to go back or move forward.
Looking at him made my heart break.
It was selfish perhaps, but I had to keep him with me, something whispered in my mind.
He looked mainly like me, except for his eyes, no one can change the eyes.
They were his father's, and the light in them made my decision for me.
"Mama, where awe we gowing?"
I looked down at him and smiled through my tears.
"We're going to Raynebow Isles, honey, and you can meet loads of people your age, and grandma and grandpa, who I know will spoil you rotten!"
The sun really was setting fast, I murmured in my mind this was the last time I'd see the sunset in Riverview.
"Come on, Ash, show mama how good you are at walking!"
My baby did like to show off, I admit, but he was my baby and he was coming with me no matter what, as he started to toddle after me I stood and waited for him, smiling all the time.
When I picked him up, I stood still again, just hugging him and thinking while the tears streamed down.
This was the right decision.
It was better to move forward than stay in my dark prison...
He nuzzled into my neck and I held him tightly.
"Baby, we're going to go on an aeroplane now, isnt that fun?"
He nodded into my neck, and I noted he was falling asleep in my arms.
I looked one last time at the water, the beautiful water that drew me to Riverview, and drew me to him.
I'd never forget him, but I had to get over him.
So me and Ash just....ran.
